I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
