Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
