I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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