Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
