Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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