I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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