Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
