Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
