now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
