if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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