I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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