I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
