Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
