For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
