omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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