Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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