Just fell off a train. Bad.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
