big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
