did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
