I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
