i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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