I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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