Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
