please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
