hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
