...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
