He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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