the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
