Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
