I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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