Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
There's always time for handjobs
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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