She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
