the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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