I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
