i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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