I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
