sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
