Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
