Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
