I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
