The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
