3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
