kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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