matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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