Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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