She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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