Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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