Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
