Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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