i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
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