As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
